thanks to copperseal's icons and My_Silent_Whisper's icons!

you know it's funny how different one feels when one is 21 than when one is say 16 or 17.  Not a bad different.  Just different.  I am rather restless for one thing!  A few years ago simple things made me very happy!  A new shirt or eating a cookie....idk...... Now I do feel happy with the same things but the happiness is much more fleeting.  I thought that there was something wrong with me at first!  Why was I always still searching for something more?  Please, Sir I want some more! 

I think that it's partly because 21 is a rather restless time in life in general!  Call it wanderlust if you like.  Or desire or just being a young woman growing up.  But also it's because the things that matter are being desired in different ways than before!  Of course I'm not ready to get married or have babies but now I do really want those things in the full sense and not in the vague way that one does when one is young and thinking of the next holiday or dance.

I want to LIVE!  I want to LOVE!  I want everything that life has to offer in the fullest sense!  Give me life in bountiful handfuls!  I realized this semester just what a broken frightened creature I was and I am tired of merely existing....I want life!  I want to help others love and live.  I want to touch people so they realize what real life is and wake up to joy!  Sorrow is ok.  Suffering is ok..  It happens to us all; it's a part of being human.  After all, Christ and Mary suffered and sorrowed the most.  And yet, isn't Christ also called the Joy-Maker?

I want to hug the world with open arms without being afraid of getting hurt!  If loving means taking struggles and hardships as well then I take them too!  After all, a happily ever after is made what it is partly because of the journey!

I am so excited for this new semester at school....so many new things to think about and pray about........

I'm putting my vocational ponderings on hold, in a manner of speaking, in order that I may discover myself and what my personhood entails before I realize the more obvious paths in life.  It sounds rather odd, perhaps.  And yet, it is perhaps one of the most important steps thus far.

Even though I am a more-or-less confident person I realized that I really want to relate to the world in a more feminine way, and that doesn't mean in a girly/pink/flowery/ditzy/romantic way either.  I mean feminine as a way of looking at the world, a way of tasting, sensing, and perceiving.  A way of treating others and of praying.  I mean feminine as my deepest identity and way of being, my womanhood, my girlhood, my motherhood, my daughterhood, and my personhood.  

I feel that God is calling me to a deeper sense of happiness, of committment, beauty, and love.  For the first time (yes, it's sadly true that it never happened before until now), I prayed the Hail Mary as a personal conversation to Mary, the Queen of Heaven and my beloved mother.

                 Hail Mary, beautiful Queen and the lady whom i serve with joy and gladness!  You are full of grace, and the one who is all perfect womanhood! The Lord is with you for you listened and obeyed Him with true and perfect humility and joy.  Blessed are you among women; I am you lady-in-waiting who looks to you that I may come more close to your Son.  And blessed is the Fruit of your womb, Jesus, for you in Him and He in you was the beautiful vessel of motherhood and hope for all mankind.  Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for me, a sinner and fallen daughter, now in each and every present moment and at the hour of my death. Amen.